I made the decision to have prolapse surgery in late October. I announced it early November with a bit of apprehension…. But I felt so much love and support from my community.
I let the shame of deciding to have surgery go while at the same time witnessing that others feel that same shame. I am hoping to help others navigate the decision so they too can drop the shame.
Of course I still questioned if my decision was the right one. I felt anxiety build in my body.
When I feel anxious, I feel it in my chest. It is like an ache. My heart beats faster and harder and then I feel the ache grow because I am anxious about being anxious.
Does the ache mean something? Is it my body telling me something? Do I really want this?
What if things are worse? What if it is everything I want it to be? What if? What if? What If?
Listening to the Chopra Meditation app I heard a saying that stuck with me… ‘Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.’
The roller coaster of emotions is real and frustrating and confusing but I am grateful for it. It has allowed me to see clearly and I have been better able to let the worry go and focus on what I want.
The ache in my chest was at its worst 2 weeks before surgery and then it left. I woke up one day and the ache was gone. I felt sure. I felt ready. I felt calm.
Then …my uterus said hello. She had been quiet for 129 days. I was surprised and pissed and worried. The ache came back in a big way.
What was this telling me? The more I wondered, the more I worried.
I shared my anger on social and again felt nothing but support. I talked to my uterus…. Mostly kind words. I cried….a few times.
After speaking with my doctor I felt the ache dissipate again. The worry and fear was not about ‘is my uterus trying to tell me not to do this’ but rather it was a fear that I would not be able to do the surgery. Something I have thought about for years. Something I have planned for and prepared for and sacrificed for.
‘Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.’
I want my uterus to stop...or at least slow her flow so I can have my surgery as planned.
The ache left the following day after recognizing that obstacles show up at typically the most inconvenient times and they help us decide if we will let it stand in the way or if we will find away though, over, around, or under the obstacle. Or if we will just move it out of the way …with gratitude for the lesson.
Preparing for surgery in a pandemic adds another layer of stress and things to consider. When I was thinking about isolating in the basement it scared me and my heart ached because I would not be hugging my husband or kids.
In reality, it has felt a bit like a vacation. I still prepare my own meals but the rest of the day is mine to do what I want. Not much to do in a basement but I have been productive. I wrote. I painted. I worked. I thought. I did yoga. I have texted upstairs and sent voice texts to my kids each night.
I have one more day to wait. I am now feeling bored and ready for my basement vacation to be over. I am waiting for the day so I can move forward.